I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
