Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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