I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
