My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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