we're blogging at a bar
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
