im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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