Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
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Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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