Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
