You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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