If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
