yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If that was your dad, he is hot
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
