"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize