I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
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I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
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CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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