My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
