I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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