also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
home. puking in laundry basket.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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