SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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