She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
