You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
