I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
