I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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