and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
