next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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