i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
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I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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