I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
