Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
