This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
