I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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