Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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