Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
