why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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