my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
