but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
