I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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