did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
