I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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