dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
