Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
