After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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