She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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