I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Randomize
