Pappa wants mamma naked
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize
