Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
