it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
please come you make the beer taste better
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
This baby is an asshole
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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