Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
