So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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