when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
