Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
