Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
