I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
