fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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