If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wish you could order shots online.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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