I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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