just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
