If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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