the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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