Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
