um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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