You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
