I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
