I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
